Living with that in your mind can sometimes be overwhelming. I tend
to deny it. Belittle it. Many, many times I have told myself that I
am lying. I have tried to destroy it in my head. But it always comes
back. It happened. I survived. I am living with a memory of what
happened, and now with the will to overcome it.

Many people lock it up inside of them and try to do what I have done
so many times. For some reason it is so much easier to tell yourself
it didn't really happen, that it's some kind of false memory. What
happened was so long ago, just forget about it, and it will go
away. By doing that, I just made it worse. It would go away for a
while, then when I would least wish for it to be there, the memory
was there.

When one keeps it a secret, they tend to go to two extremes: they
feel the need to have as much power over themselves as possible,
pushing themselves to the limit. They lost so much power with what
happened, they need to have it back at all times. Be valedictorian,
be the "happy, out-going, always delightful" person. Keep them-
selves occupied with extra curricular activities... by doing so,
they will have this image of the "perfect" person, one who couldn't
have possibly been put through something so terrible.

The other extreme is having as little control as possible. They lost
that control already, with no hope of regaining it. They will
usually turn to drugs and other things of that nature. They will most
likely put themselves in the position to be raped again and again. In
almost all cases, the survivor is suicidal.

I do want to express that not all survivors turn to either extreme.
A lot of us can balance it out in our life. Some of us can get help
fast enough for neither to occur. As a matter of fact, I did
neither of these extremes. But I also didn't recognize what happened
to me as rape for a very long time. Although I was affected by what
happened, I didn't know that that's what it was. I was aware of what
rape was, and how to avoid it, but I just didn't think that what
happened to me was rape. Why? Because by the definition of the word
rape, I wasn't raped. The truth is, I had control taken away from me
and put in a situation where I was in danger. If the situation had
lasted ten seconds longer, I would have been raped by the deinfition.
I was lucky enough to get out of the situation fast enough. Many
aren't. I have gone through the exact same grieving and healing
process a "real" raped person would have. I had the same control and
dignity taken away from me. According to rape counselors, I was
raped. What happened to me is now recognized as rape, so we can
continue.

After it happened, I decided that it didn't need to be opened up and
told to others. I have never had professional help for what happened.
My boyfriend is the only person who I have ever told face to face
(although that is about to change, since I am friends with everyone
in this paper). I joined a support group online to help me. I have my
story told in full on a website for survivors. I am reading books for
survivors to help me understand what happened and how I can change
myself for the better through it. I am on my way to recovery.

Enough about me, back to the topic.

It happens to both men and women, although it is more common for
women to be victims. It can happen at any age. It is less caused by
the want of sex itself than by the rapist needing the boost of power
and control over another person. It happens every two minutes in the
world, and to one out of every ten women. If you are one of them, you
need to get help. You need to tell at least one person - a friend, a
family member, a counselor. Just someone who you can rely on to help
you through it. If you don't know of anyone you can talk to, there
are places for you to call. Or if you feel you want to talk to
someone who has been there before and know what you are going
through, R.A.I.N.N., The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network is
open 24 hours a day for you. The number is 1-800-656-HOPE. It will
direct your call to a local rape crisis center. The San Antonio rape
crisis center's number is 349-7273. They are also open 24 hours a day.
Please call if you need to.

It's okay to feel overwhelmed. Just take everything one step at a
time. After surviving such a trauma, many go through stages of
guilt, denial, shock, and numbness. These feelings are quite normal
and will help guide a victim to the stage of survivor. Many survivors
blame themselves because the rapist told them it was their fault.
Either the dress they were wearing was too sexy, they shouldn.'t have
been out that night, they shoudn't have been flirting with them, they
were too drunk and thought they were wanting it, or any of the 1,000
other pathetic, false reasons rapists come up with. Whatever it was,
don't believe them. It is never the survivor's fault. They weren't
asking for it. No one asks for such a thing to happen. No one. Ever.
If someone ever tells you they were raped, always believe them and
support them. After sharing such a traumatic thing with someone else,
the last thing they need to hear is that they are lying. By
supportingthem, all you need to do is tell them that they are strong
for sharing it with you. They will either need a hug, or need their
space. It depends on the person. If they are having a flashback, all
you will probably need to do is bring them a blanket and put on some
nice music. Bring them back to reality but don't force them to do
anything. If they wish to cry, let them. Wait for the signal of a hug
to give it. Just be there for them.

For further information, I would encourage you to call either one of
the numbers listed above. They can assist you much better than I. They
can help both survivors and those supporting them.

Living with the memory of rape is so horrible. What lasted under two
minutes for me changed my life forever. But I have realized that I am
not alone in this. There is help out there for me, and I am taking
the step I have needed to take to get that help. This is my first
time to tell my story to my friends. Although I am very frightened of
what the outcome will be, I have needed to do this for a long time.
By telling those around you, you are telling your rapist that you
aren't afraid of them. That it wasn't your fault. It's one more step
in my recovery and one step back for my rapist. I am slowly regaining
control of my life again. Ahhh.. the smell of sweet victory.

-withdrawn in disgust